Firstly (obviously) to get a bun in the oven, you need to have sex. Not just any sex, sex at the right time. This may sound obvious but is a hurdle worth noting when you have a busy life and getting home late from work doesn’t exactly put you in the mood. Combine this with having been together for a long time, and if that elusive ovulation day stubbornly falls on a Wednesday then it looks like Hump Day brings a whole new knackering challenge to rise to. Make hay while the sun shines and get some in before your monthly window of opportunity closes because that window really is relatively short.
Until you get pregnant you wonder if you even can. You’ve no doubt spent years of trying not to get pregnant, taking precautions after missed pills and letting a medley of contraceptives play havoc with your weight, skin and hormones. Whether being a pin cushion for the contraceptive injection, trying out implants (and not the Pamela Anderson kind), patches or coils, us women often have a rocky road trying to navigate the hormonal hell of pregnancy prevention from our teens onwards. In school, we’re taught to avoid pregnancy like the plague (and put condoms on bananas). I’m pretty sure when Human Reproduction was covered we were sat on the back benches giggling into our text books at the pictures of genitalia. I have to say that the pregnancy and baby part completely passed me by.
So if you are pregnant, Congratulations! It truly is a miracle of timing, Biology and cell reproduction and you’ve done it. Bask in the splendour of such a natural miracle before you embark on the next few tiring, emotional and downright nauseated months.
A very positive plus point you may have noticed, again fairly obvious, is the fact that you don’t get periods for at least 9 months. Hooray! Bring on the brass band! At last, no pesky periods making you moody, ruining your favourite white undies, getting in the way of your sex life and giving you goddamn period pains! You’d be forgiven for foolishly relishing in this positive pregnancy flipside… but before I tell you the bad and the ugly, the great news is (Yes!) you can indeed put your best white lacy knickers on ANY day of the month (and perhaps you might want to if only to cheer yourself up a bit) because as for the other theoretical benefits of no periods, think again…
You still get goddamn period pains! Well we’ll call them that because that’s what they damn well feel like as your uterus starts to expand to house your growing bean and your internal organs start moving to accommodate your ever increasing womb. You still get moody, emotional, tearful and hormonal, only not just at that time of the month but every day. You do have the excuse that you’re pregnant and it’s a pretty good one, so use it. If your partner persists in complaining or commenting on your moods, ask them if they would like to swap places with you and perhaps try passing a melon through their penis. They will quickly sympathise with your discomfort and impending fate and be grateful they are but an unburdened man. Feel free to tell them where they can shove their lucky bastard Y chromosome.
As for your liberated sex life, you must be frickin’ joking?! No pesky periods maybe, but alas try being asleep by 9pm every night, feeling permanently sick and having sore boobs. Add to that a plentiful amount of gas, constipation, heart burn and some more gas (from those lovely hormones slowing down your digestive system) and it’s doubtful much sex will be on the agenda. Not to mention it was having sex that put you in this position in the first place. Most women feel ill/ sick throughout much of during the first trimester and the hardest thing about it is that usually this is a time you don’t look pregnant yet and you haven’t gone public with your news yet, so don’t expect much sympathy!
You remember before you became pregnant, all those years of other people popping sprogs (crazy fools) telling you about their pregnancies/ births/ babies? [*scratches head] hmmm, Kind of….? That’s because you weren’t listening and you were totally uninterested. Or maybe you listened to that odd nugget of wisdom or birthing horror story but truth be told all those stories merged into one and now you’re just relieved you remember your friend’s kids names and the odd birthday. Well, now it’s your turn. Adjust your expectations immediately if you expect your single friends and child-free-DINKY-couple friends will be anything more than totally indifferent to your pregnancy woes. It sucks, but deal with it. Remember you were that person once, blissfully ordering another cocktail.
It will feel to you as if you are the most important person in the world, experiencing everything for the first time (much like when you were a teenager), and to you and your partner you and the bean bud ARE top priority, but to everyone else you’re just another couple that are gonna be really hard to go out for drinks with once the rugrat comes. Cherish your more experienced mum friends who’ve gone through all this before (and hope they forgive your prior indifference). Hopefully they will love going through it with you and be a fountain of knowledge and support.